August Monthly Muse: Laura Ellen
Augusts monthly muse is non-other than Laura Ellen, host of The Sexual Wellness Podcast, founder of the Sexual Wellness Store and sex, love and life coach. You may remember that Laura interviewed @yourmonthly in one of her recent podcast episodes and we had so much fun together we wanted to create some more magic for you gorgeous!
Laura created The Sexual Wellness Store not only as a market place for body-safe, natural erotica toys for the modern woman but also to teach women about other aspects of sexuality beyond our physical bodies. Her podcast shares ideas and brain waves about mind-set, communication, nutrition and even spirituality and how these aspects of our lives can contribute to a fuller sexual experience.
In our interview we chat about the importance of playfulness when it comes to sexuality, why the porn industry is creating the need for brave conversations and how you can be intimate across your monthly cycle.
Laura, your social media platforms and website often encourage women to be playful in their lives (not just with your words but we all love your dancing videos too!). You speak about how playfulness can enhance the joy we get out of everyday tasks but also increase our sexual experiences. Can you tell us more about how we can increase playfulness in our lives?
I believe play is simply another gateway of accessing pleasure, and it can be sexual or completely platonic. Living a turned-on life isn’t just about orgasms, it’s about increasing our capacity to enjoy life as well. As adults, we’ve left the playground and forgotten how to play. Many of us now use alcohol as a permission slip to access that childlike, inhibition-less, transcendental state of bliss. You know that feeling when you’re about one bottle of wine down, the DJ play’s your favorite song and BOOM, your inner Beyonce is unashamedly out in full swing. I get it, it’s fun! You could almost call it a meditation. But what we often forget is that there are many other ways to play that don’t come with hangovers and health issues. Finding way’s to cultivate meaningful connection, laughter, and joy - without alcohol is not just important for a fulfilling, playful sex life, but for our overall health and well-being as well.
By integrating more play into our lives, we increase our capacity to relax, be present and experience the pleasures available to us in the moment - which essentially is the key tool for greater sex.
One of your key messages to women is owning our sexuality is owning our power. Can you tell us more about how our sexuality is our superpower?
Because understanding our unique sexuality is understanding the core essence of who we are as a human being. The better we know ourselves, the better we can relate to and understand others. Meaningful love and connection (not only with our partner but our friends, family, community and even the environment!) is a natural human need, yet so many of us don’t have the awareness or education to make these relationships happen. Sexuality is simply a skill set that goes way beyond cosmo’s top five tips for great blow jobs.
By owning your sexuality you’re owning who you are a person. You’re standing up for your needs and desires, you’re and safe confident in your body, you know how to communicate and hold a boundary, you know your worth and your not afraid to ask for what you want, you’re in full acceptance of yourself, wart’s n all, and the pleasure that you are able to fully experience radiates out of you like you’ve just walked out of a yoga class.
You know that woman who walks into a room and instantly captivates the attention of everyone with her presence, she’s calm and graceful yet powerful and bold, she holds her own with humble confidence and is so authentically herself it’s strikingly beautiful. That woman isn’t someone special, she is in ALL of us... And I can tell you one thing for sure, she is not afraid of her pussy.
Your businesses values are a refreshing and stark contrast from the porn industry which often dis-empowers women rather than teaching them about the importance and value of their sexual experiences. We know that many young men are watching porn and it would be fair to assume that the majority of their sexual education is coming from this online industry. Do you have any concerns about how this changes sexual experiences for women and how women can communicate their needs with men who perhaps are influenced by what they see on the screen?
I feel like I could write a whole book on this!
We’ve all been educated by porn really, I know myself and most everyone I speak to didn’t exactly get a well-rounded, intelligent education when it comes to sex and intimacy. At home with our parents, or even with our extended adult influencers, there was little to no communication about sex which leads to shame & taboo, which inevitably leads us to look in the shadows for answers - porn.
I could rattle off some alarming porn addiction statics but I like to be optimistic and say that the landscape of healthy sexuality and sex-ed is changing, and it’s changing fast (in the western world). As women, we are finally living in a time where is actually safe to feel confident and turned-on, it’s a privilege I never take for granted. It wasn’t that long ago that we would have been burnt alive for being intuitive, beautiful and confident women. I really believe that sexuality is the next wave of wellness to hit the mainstream, just like yoga did about 30-40 years ago.
I think the first point to be mindful of is that it’s not just men who are guilty here, it’s up to all of us as individuals to do the work and get to know our own bodies better so that we can then lovingly communicate what we truly need. If we are not enjoying a sexual experience it’s not his/her fault - it’s our responsibility to speak up and stand up for our pleasure.
The biggest tip I’d like to share here is to create safe spaces to talk about sex with your partner outside of a sexual context. For some, it can be challenging to communicate in the moment, especially if you’re unsure of what/how to say it. It can be challenging to break patterns and change habits for both partners.
By making time and space to talk about sex, you’re able to have wider conversations about what your desiring and some of the ways you can work together to achieve it. Have fun with it! Treat it like foreplay. Turn it into a ritual. Practice listening without judgment. Light lot’s of candles and turn on your favorite love making music. When communicating, make it about you and what you like, don’t make him feel wrong or bad for where he is at now. This is an invitation for you both to explore and have fun, so create a dialogue that sparks curiosity instead of dissatisfaction.
Also, listen to my podcast! Belinder Wiley and I talk a lot on how to communicate in the bedroom, specifically with long term partners. I’m always sharing communication tips on there and even have a whole episode coming out soon about this very topic. Search for The Sexual Wellness Podcast on your favorite podcasting app.
We know that female sex hormones change our libido across the cycle. Oestrogen (higher in the first phase of our cycle) is responsible for increased sex drive and vaginal lubrication. With levels dropping in the lead up to our periods we often experience a reduction in libido but intimacy remains important for many couples (and individuals). How can we be intimate with our partners and ourselves across our cycle?
I feel like the answer is already stated in the question - “how can we be intimate with our partners and ourselves across our cycle”. Notice how you say intimate, not sexually active.
I don’t believe we need to be having orgasmic, frictional/penetrative sexual experiences all throughout our cycles to feel deeply fulfilled and connected to our partners. I like to invite my clients to release expectations around sex, how much they should be having and what it should look like. Instead, I ask them to focus on stoking the embers of their turn-on, which basically means bringing your attention back to the pleasure that is available to you all the time, not just in the bedroom. By doing this you’re taking responsibility for your arousal, which will then be mirrored back to you by your partner. There are many ways to cultivate erotic intimacy without penetration, and it’s beautiful to explore these ways of connecting too.
It’s also nice to notice what type of sex you desire throughout your cycle as it can change along with your sex hormones. This again comes down to knowing yourself and knowing your body. I personally love that firey, pull-my-hair & fuck-me-right-now sex when I’m in the luteal phase of my cycle (PMS). When I’m menstruating I like to have slow, deep, emotional and sensual sex (I usually cry and it’s probably my favorite time to make love). In the follicular and ovulation phases, I’m all over the show and am more open to trying new things. Sometimes my partner and I will abstain in certain phases of my cycle. The list goes on and continues to evolve as I tune in more and more.
It’s such a fun way to do life, fully in sync and in tune with your hormones and your turn-on. To me, pleasure-based living is about discovering the things that light you up and then integrating them into your day-to-day, in all aspects of life.
Want to learn more about modern sexual wellness from Laura? Check out her website here and make sure to follow her on @_laura_ellen